f this

omg....are you TRYING to get me in trouble?! stop it. i still care about you but its so hard because i cant trust you. people who "love" each other dont lie about the other one to save their own butt.

if you were me then youd be screaming someone shoot me.

things have been alright i guess. im so scared about growing up now. it seems to never leave my mind. dont want to spend my life alone. i always wonder if people will remember me. maybe if i died theyd remember me. then feel bad and fucked about how they treated me like nothing. but i guess we wont know until it happens. GOODBYE

well i have a feeling this might be a long post. so, sorry in advance.

so tonight was the first night of the play. it was a success. but remember...when i say success it doesnt mean that it was wonderfull. cast B was kinda slow...but ill melt faces tomorrow. you just wait. *wa pow*

i know im not allowed to say this or anything, but i miss her. everything nowadays reminds me of her. *sigh* and it really stinks because im still so mad at her, but im still attached to her. crazy how things can be. i just wish things were how they were last year. it was a mix of the worst and best year of my life. worste::-broke up w/ pete before switching schools, being alone and lonely at my new school, depression, kristels mom finding my note about cutting and starving, physciatrists, family death, bad dating experiences, the whole -her- issue, running away, family therapist, trying to die, i think thats about it. best::- thought i found the perfect new bf at new school, being accepted, making a great friend, smoking after school, drama competitions, -her-, stupid boi crushes, hmm...funny how the bad things overtake the good things. that still happens too. but just not as much. thankfull much! its just that last year i was so care free and living for the moment. i am now but thinking things through while im doing it. thinking of how stupid this will turn out and what kind of trouble im getting into. but now, since im actually thinking ive saved myself alot of grief. but no matter what we all have to go through some kind of grief while growing up. sad but true.

i miss her laugh.and her smell.and her eyes.and her fingernails.and her presence.

but this year is filled with wonderfull new things and great oppertunities. i should take advantage of it. but i cant bring myself to it. i get so scared of growing up. i dont want to, i want to stay young forever. i cant imagine myself being and unhappy 50year old having a mid life crisis while i shout at snotty kids. i just cant. i just want to remember things from the point of veiw i had when i was 14.i want to find the beauty and disgust in all things. no matter what. im afraid. what if i live it alone? im mortally afraid. i dont want to be myself my whole life. sure, ive heard people tell me im a nice person and cute and all. but somehow i dont beleive it. im the only one who lives in my skin so i know me in and out. i cant stand how i am. and i dont see how anyone else could long enough to spend their life with me. i just cant. id shoot myself in the foot than to live with someone like me. it breaks my heart though. i try to be good. and i try to be nice. i try so hard but i have absolutely NOTHING to show for it. i just wish i could date someone for more than a month and not have a mental breakdown in front of them or get dumped. i could show them how great i could really be. id show them how i would always be pretty for them, or always be in a good mood to make everyone feel great. but i suppose it wont be happening anytime soon.